Discontentment or dissatisfaction is experienced in most marriages. It is the major cause of quarrels and misunderstandings between husbands and wives. The fact is, there are limits to which an individual can tolerate or accept some unpleasant situations. Our level of tolerance is a function of our maturity and understanding of the circumstances we face. These two qualities are essential to manage any problem that may arise in marriage due to discontentment. Believe it or not, discontentment will inevitably surface in our marriages, and the way we handle it is determined by our level of maturity and understanding.
Maturity
By maturity, we refer to a complete state of it—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It must be comprehensive, because without it, one cannot effectively tackle the challenging experiences that emerge in the home. For marriage to be enjoyed as it should be, there must be a foundation of maturity.
Understanding
Understanding involves having comprehensive knowledge of the causes of discontentment. There are several causes of discontentment in marriage, but the question is: do we have a proper understanding of these causes? The rationale behind understanding is that instead of wasting valuable time on arguments and quarreling, we should focus on addressing the root causes of discontentment in our marriages. Without a proper understanding of these causes, there will be no need for tolerance in our marriages; one can only tolerate when they live with understanding.
Causes of Discontentment in Marriage
We will consider the causes of discontentment in marriage, which include the attitude and character of the spouse, level of finance, and sexual performance.
Attitude/Character of Spouse
We all know that courtship before marriage is essential to familiarize ourselves with our intended spouse, especially regarding their attitude. However, we should bear in mind that not all attitudes or character traits will be revealed to us during courtship. As a result, some attitudes may be concealed or hidden. After marriage, the belief is that one has secured what they desire, and as such, there is no more hiding. Gradually, one begins to notice some unfamiliar attitudes and characteristics in their spouse, which may be good or bad. This can be concerning, especially if they are negative attitudes, and can lead to discontentment in marriage, particularly after making significant efforts to change the spouse’s attitude.
We will consider some remedies for dealing with unpleasant attitudes displayed by our spouse. These include:
- Understanding Each Other’s Boundaries: This is the first thing that must come to mind. We must know our spouse’s boundaries and adhere to them for peace to reign in our family. In most cases, this rule favors the man since he is the head of the household.
- Mutual Respect: Sometimes, these unpleasant displays of attitude may be due to a lack of respect shown by us towards our spouse. We should respect their person, opinions, and families. Disrespecting them triggers negative reactions from them.
- Humility: Endeavor not to have your way in every situation. Sometimes, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Humble yourself occasionally and allow your spouse’s opinion to be recognized. The Scriptures put it this way: “In humility, value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3, NIV).
Level of Finance
Comfort is an issue that a lady holds in very high regard when considering marriage. This is why she is concerned about the job or business of the prospective husband. The reason for this is security. No lady wants to find herself in a state of poverty after leaving her father’s house. She always desires a better place, always longs for a place of ease and contentment. Now, if she finds herself in her husband’s house and her expectations are not met, discontentment is often the result.
There are many factors that can lead to insufficient finances in the home or marriage. Some of these include reckless spending, insufficient salary, and too many responsibilities.
- Reckless Spending: By “reckless,” we mean showing a lack of care about the consequences of one’s actions. When a man finds himself with this attitude towards money, he must control it, especially after realizing he is married. He is not living for himself alone but also for his wife. The wife should also ensure that she helps her husband see the reason for financial discipline. Two heads are better than one.
- Insufficient Salary: The reason for low levels of finance in most homes is often due to the insufficient take-home pay of the head of the household at the end of the month. Scripturally, the wife is seen as the “help meet” for her husband (Genesis 2:18, KJV). This means she must identify where she can assist her husband in meeting their numerous needs. It is advisable for a wife to have a paid job or engage in business.
- Too Many Responsibilities: Too many responsibilities mean too many needs to meet. When the resources to meet these needs are limited, it is essential to prioritize the most pressing needs first before addressing less pressing ones. Attempting to meet all needs at once often leads to insufficient finances for the home. Couples should always plan together on how to tackle the numerous needs they face. By working together, they can ensure sufficient finances for the home.
Sexual Performance
We get married for two basic reasons: sex and procreation. Single individuals often look forward to the moment when their sexual desires are fulfilled in marriage. It is a greatly anticipated time and period. Often, we don’t talk about it, but deep down, we all value issues related to sex. The importance of sex is seen in the bonding that exists between a man and a woman who are married. Every woman appreciates it when she receives maximum satisfaction from her husband, and the same goes for men. Now, imagine what happens when there is no sexual satisfaction; it will undoubtedly result in discontentment in the matrimonial relationship.
We will now look at the factors that contribute to low sexual performance, which include stress, mood, and sickness.
- Stress: This is about the pressure, tension, and strain we experience from our daily commitments, either at work or in business. Often, we bring this feeling home with us. When one is tense, they are not relaxed physically, emotionally, or psychologically, making it impossible to engage in sexual activity. The solution to this is rest. Allow your spouse to have enough rest before engaging in sexual activity.
- Mood: Mood is seen as a temporary state of mind or spirit, such as a fit of bad temper or depression. It is unreasonable to expect sexual satisfaction from someone in a bad mood. It is wise to study your spouse’s mood, especially when it comes to sexual gratification. A good mood is a sign of better sexual performance.
- Sickness: Sickness is a state of illness and needs little explanation as we all know what ill health is about. Attempting to have sex while in ill health strains the body, and maximum performance should not be expected. Ensure that your spouse is in good health.
Having seen the various causes of discontentment in marriage and their solutions, it is evident that they are incomplete without the help of God. He must be given His rightful place in our marriages. He alone is the author of marriage, and He alone can perfect all that pertains to it.
Scripture note: Philippians 2:3, Genesis 2:18
