Many might be surprised by the topic above and may start wondering what it is all about. It is about courtship and how it should be approached. When we talk about courtship, intimacy often comes to mind. But what is our understanding of intimacy? Intimacy is derived from the word “intimate,” which involves being closely acquainted or familiar, and often implies having a sexual relationship, especially outside marriage. The question arises: What level of intimacy should we establish during courtship?
Courtship is a period of getting to know each other better and building a foundation for a future marriage. It is wrong to believe that courtship should include sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy is a privilege reserved for marriage, and engaging in sex during courtship is not appropriate. Many people think that everything should be given to a relationship for it to succeed, especially when in love. However, relationships or courtships should involve giving “something,” such as time, concern, and gifts when necessary, but not “everything,” including sex.
Your dignity is priceless and must be protected. Courtship should be handled with care. The level of care you show in a relationship determines its success. The issue of dignity comes into play when you engage in sex during courtship. Whether you like it or not, you have devalued yourself, and the respect given to you will certainly diminish. This is why sex during courtship or a relationship can be destructive. It can undermine the relationship.
Redeeming your dignity is of great importance, and it comes by abstaining from sex. This should be done in your own interest and for the benefit of the relationship. You need to make your partner understand why abstaining from sex is crucial to avoid misunderstandings. Engaging in sex during courtship can lead to becoming “too close too soon.”
There are three key points to consider to avoid getting too close too soon during courtship: the learning process, self-control, and the meeting place.
- Learning Process:
Courtship is a period of developing a relationship with the intention of marriage. It is a time to get to know your partner better. It is a learning process. There is nothing as valuable as having the right information about your partner. There is a difference between inquiring about a person and knowing them personally. The knowledge you gain about your partner will significantly influence the future of your marriage. Courtship is about laying a foundation for your marriage through the information and understanding you gain about your partner. The question is, how strong and reliable is the information you have about your partner? The crucial nature of this knowledge makes courtship of great importance, as it breeds confidence in your future together.
It is the issue of information and knowledge that makes sex unnecessary in a relationship or courtship. Sex can blur and obscure the information you have about your partner, giving you an unrealistic view. Some may have heard the phrase “love is blind.” The truth is, love can become blind when you engage in sex, leading to an unrealistic perception of your partner. Sex can lead to infatuation and fantasy rather than reality.
Another problem with sex in a relationship is that it can breed distrust. When two individuals in courtship begin having sex, they may start suspecting each other. A marriage built on distrust due to premarital sex may not stand the test of time. Distrust often leads to misunderstandings. If you consider the causes of divorce in many marriages, distrust ranks among the highest. It is difficult to marry someone you cannot trust. If you want your courtship to lead to marriage, abstain from sex. Most broken relationships result from misunderstandings stemming from distrust caused by illicit sex.
- Self-Control:
The scriptures say, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control” (Proverbs 25:28). In other words, self-control serves as a defense. To maintain consistent self-control, discipline is crucial. Self-control and discipline go hand in hand. In a relationship, we are dealing with two individuals who are in love and have made a commitment to each other. There is a natural attraction between them, and they often desire to be together. Given their situation, self-control is necessary to avoid falling into the trap of illicit sex. Self-control must be mutual, but it is important to recognize that in a relationship or courtship, one person is often stronger in self-control than the other. Therefore, it is essential for one to remain consistently strong and focused on the goal of marriage. Whatever feelings you have for your partner can wait until marriage. There is nothing as valuable as maintaining sexual purity before marriage. It provides a sense of pride as a single individual and serves as a legacy for your future children. Commit to self-control and remain consistent and determined in upholding it. - Meeting Place:
The places you meet during courtship can either increase or decrease sexual desire, depending on your mindset and level of self-control. It is advisable not to spend too much time in secluded places, as this can create an atmosphere of intense attraction. Courtship inevitably involves meeting and discussing matters related to your relationship and future. Couples in love and courtship naturally want to see each other. However, it is crucial not to stay in places that could compromise your standards.
The scripture says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Songs 8:4). Let your courtship be pure and worthy of emulation. Avoid getting too close too soon.
